Fear of Sleep

It's back. My dreaded insomnia has returned. I wish I could say I did something useful or productive with all this extra time on my hands. Maybe organize my closet, clean out my cupboards or just do the dishes. No, I like to torture myself. I decided that I should clean out my e-mail and I ran across some old shit. Bad idea. Add to this mess a sad mix I made awhile back. For some reason I made this cd thinking I would need to listen to every song that has ever made me cry. It's worse than the Sad Bastard mix I made 4 years ago! Another bad idea...I never learn. Bad ideas seem to be a pattern of mine. Remember this post from December?

Back to e-mail. Most of my inbox was easy to archive or delete. It was the starred e-mails that got me. Most people use stars to keep track of really important stuff: travel plans, deadlines, addresses. Not me. Apparently, I only reserve stars for e-mails about heartache, bad decisions and inappropriate behavior. I'm a sentimental person by nature, but why do I think I need to re-live these things?? Some of my favorite lines I came across (some are from my replies):

• It pisses me off that it pisses me off.
  
• As usual, I got caught up in my emotions. (A version of this statement is in several e-mails from me. I'm so predictable.)
  
• I'm sorry that I have hurt you in the past and caused so much pain.
  
• Why am I even friends with him? I get NOTHING from him. 
  
• I am a different person than I was 6 months ago; perhaps you have changed too.
  
• Please know this had nothing to do with you or anything you've done.
  
• We were good together, I think I just let my idea of who I thought you should be get in the way.
• No need to apologize for anything (I’m as guilty as you, if not more so).
• He sounds like a sex addict to me, gurl.

So now I'm dreading getting into bed because I know I'll just toss and turn until the sun comes up. Maybe I'll chant my new mantra as I try to drift off to sleep: live AND learn, live AND learn, live AND learn!